hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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