So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
