im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
