I'm eating all of the evidence.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
