come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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