Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize