How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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