im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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