Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
