I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
