i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
