So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I think your dad took our porno
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
