remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
