My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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