"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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