Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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