I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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