there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
