Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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