I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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