he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize