hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
