I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
