i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
