Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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