I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
