So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
