I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
