Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
