with your own penis?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
