arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
