i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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