Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
