The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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