take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
All I want is dick and wine.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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