Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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