My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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