um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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