And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
