So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
