He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
