naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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