Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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