I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
