Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
