GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
