hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
