There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
