She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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