we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
