i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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