The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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