dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
