I wish I could teleport
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Two words: blizzard sex
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
