Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'd cum for enchiladas.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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