She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
