Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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